Living in a Dream
Perhaps I'm ready. I'm not entirely certain, but at least I am ready to try...
Last week as we prepared to head down the Mississippi, Chicago to Carencro, I was bursting from the seams with excitement. On multiple levels: the simple opportunity to be away from work and home and all the day to day bullshit that we all encounter; the opportunity to meet new old friends; the opportunity to see and hang with old old friends; the chance to experience a new place, to feel it, breathe it, live it.
But life intruded. I was not completely ready to leave work behind when we hit the road, so part of it came with me. In my head. Nagging me.
I had unanswered, open questions in my personal life. Things I couldn't let be, so all weekend part of my mind remained unsettled.
And the ultimate bomb: the intersection of complete isolation in my real life, collided head on with the intense being of an Ish conference.
But I am getting ahead of myself.
Jim arrived Thursday afternoon as I was taking my son to his grandparents. On returning home, we packed the van, we loaded up the dog, we settled in and hit the road.
I quickly became cranky. Why, I am not totally sure. But that is maybe a lie. In my isolation, I have become accustomed to certain patterns, certain behaviors, certain expectations. To an unhealthy degree, I'm certain. It took me a while to recognize and get past those expectations and engage reality. Before I got to that point, cranky turned to pissy, turned to fugue.
But then I napped, between St Louis and Memphis. In my mind, in my dream, the shadows hanging over me were illuminated and doubts were dispelled. The future was bright and I could let it wait for me without my constant intervention. I woke feeling good... to a van that was limping down the road to the significant consternation of both Jims.
I never believed that it was actually going to be a problem. Not in my gut. Was I disconnected or was I embracing the mindset? I repeated a number of times... we left ourselves in the hands of the gods, and they decided it was right for us to be there, to make it to Carencro... and eventually to make it back home again. I don't know where my calm came from, was it positive or negative? Is that even a valid question? I simply know that I did not feel worry.
We finally stopped for breakfast in Carencro itself. We needed food, we needed to collect ourselves before arriving, and we knew that if the van refused to continue, that we were close enough that it wouldn't matter. After eating, we headed on up the access road, expecting that we were within blocks of our destination. Through gut instinct we turned onto exactly the right road into town... but then disbelieved our senses for a time and got lost. If the boys had let me see the map, I'm quite certain we could have turned around and headed directly there. But boys will be boys and I was not invited to play.
Just the same, Carencro is a small town, and we were in the right place, so we arrived shortly thereafter. We fell out of the van, shit eating grins that we made it, stretching and soaking up the Louisiana sun, only to find a house that appeared empty. Automatic assumption: Tony is here, with Rory and others – they probably went urban scavenging or mushroom hunting or some such. It's eleven, they knew we (and others) would be arriving around noon. So we'll hang, no big deal. The boys napped in the sun. I tried to relax, but early on my dog met their cat and the ensuing tease, taunt and lunge of that dynamic kept me on my toes.
After noon, the Jim's decided maybe they ought start putting up tents. I sat with the dog in front of the guest house porch... and then heard a door open and close. Or did I? Sure enough. Out comes Jonathon, introducing himself, telling us that they were watching a film and we were welcome to join...
The house wasn't so empty after all. Perfect ending to the surreality of the drive.
Tony came out and said hello. We met Will and Rob. We discovered Rory was at work but would be home soon. Others had yet to arrive. They went back to their film, we set ourselves up, I showered – rediscovering my humanity in those warm jets. Dave arrived. Dave? Oh, yes. “Hi, I'm Dave, I'll be your chef tonight.†Well, alrighty then.
Eventually, Rory and Eileen arrived, William and Amanda rolled in also. Cheramie came home. Booze was collected and cracked before dinner. Umm. Yeah. That wasn't the best idea.
We started to feel one another out. Dave made a killer Jambalaya for us, while Rory and Cheramie threw together a salad of mixed commercial and wild greens. Cheramie's homemade dressing. Apples.
After dinner came the bonfire. The drums came out. The cops drove by. The drums went away. I collapsed in my tent, exhausted, intoxicated, done.
I could continue with a play by play, but, really, the events are unimportant. I spent the weekend somewhat disconnected – and I only realized today that it was overload. The isolation and distraction of my 'real' life contrasted so sharply with the community and 'being-ness' or an Ish event that my senses were a bit overwhelmed. But I realize that I did soak it all up. I created the possibility of relationship with everyone that participated.
In no particular order....
Rory was not what I expected. Online he is aggressive and opinionated and 'loud'. In person, he is still opinionated. 
But also soft spoken, thoughtful and relaxed. He moves through space and time with an ease and grace that I find admirable. Embracing his passions comfortably, completely and without hesitation.
I did not get as much of a feeling for Eileen as I would have liked. She was around on Friday night – of which I remember only vague impressions – and for a while Saturday morning. The one strong impression I got was that she seemed a perfect counterpoint to Rory, which is how it should be, of course!
I'm sure this has been said before... William smiles. He brings a lightness of being to the space he inhabits. And when he opens up he has much to say. Well thought out. Reasoned and understood. Confident in thought and deed. Comfortable in his skin in a way that I envy just a bit.
Jonathon and Cheramie were delightful, but I do not feel like I got to know them as well as I might. They often stepped back into their role as host and hostess, although Sunday night, especially, they did join in the after dinner discussion and I laughed along with Jonathon's story telling while feeling the intensity of Cheramie's conviction.
Tony was classic this weekend. Everything I have come to expect from him and more. Excited, explorative, instigating. If only we had been able to identify just one of the plants we found during our hike, but the ecology was too foreign.
Will began as enigma that slowly revealed himself. I empathized with his nervousness at asserting himself and his ideas. But as he overcame that nervousness, he had much to offer; thoughtful, intelligent, proactive. Perhaps on the verge of busting out and becoming a leader, doer, shaker – of the NTR variety.
Amanda was everywhere. Jello shots, presentations, conversations. She soaked up every thought that was offered and came back for more. As the only other female (traveler) in attendance, she and I connected a little more than we might have – but my own tendencies prevented any true bonding. But there is always next year!
Rob, too, was somewhat quiet. We discovered this weekend that the greatest concentration of attendees were INTP (Meyers-Briggs). But unlike many introverts that I have known, Rob was always involved even if he was not verbose. He was always moving, always watching, always right on top of whatever was occurring at any given moment. I suspect his observations of this weekend would be the most... complete and compelling of all.
I felt that Jim and I were a bit disconnected this weekend. First from my crankiness on the trip down and later, I'm sure, as a result of his distress and consternation over the van. But for all that, I observed his story telling and sharing with others, and on the trip back, at the very end of the trip back, we finally talked ourselves. And then reading his story of the trip, I recognize some of the subtle undertones that I missed along the way.
My Jim had as much difficulty as I in getting into the groove last weekend. Perhaps more. But he did find his comfort zone finally on Sunday. No surprises, really, we have always found that day three is usually the place where real-life stresses and strain finally evaporate and allow us to embrace the TAZ.
And then there was the one strong 'character' this weekend. Dave was interesting and engaging – and at times over powering -- as any 'character' tends to be. Stories, opinions, jokes and teases. He kept me laughing any time he was around.
I'm still processing, I think. Perhaps that is always the case... life is the grand collection of all the experiences one continues to process for ever after. But I know the weekend was good for me, I know it was useful for the future and I know that it's opened up potential that did not exist ten days ago.
Thanks Everyone!
Yeah holy crap it makes so
Submitted by Tony on Fri, 2007-03-09 19:23.
Yeah holy crap it makes so much sense now!
I tend to listen to body language a bit more than I listen to spoken words, and I felt you were the same old Janene. However, there was an element that you usually represent that was not your arena this weekend: provider.
I have a tendency when not instigating to become a provider as well. It was hard for both of us, maybe even for me, to step back and let someone else take care of us. AS it tuned out, we were in good hands. I knew this beffore when you went to 10K ways and I chose the Bechet House, but now you know.
I hide in provider because I deal with insecurities, and even if I don't like my own food, at least I know how to push people's taste bud buttons. Without that role to fill, I could only set the table, clear it off, and try and find a new role for myself. Does my expreience resonate with you at all Janene?
I felt like I had smoked entirely too much ganja that first night and probably was very annoying to talk to, even though I could hear every words everyone was saying too me, every single word that came out of every single person was like an opera, and I had also felt an overload. I felt like I was appearing to be disconnected and aloof, and just plain confused, but honestly, I was just swimming in the reasonance.
Sometimes I felt like I lost the conversation, and by the time my mind was ready to pick some of it back up, everyone was already asleep, oh well, gotta be careful and time one's spiritual pursuits more in line with those around you if you want to get into them.
I must say I really enjoyed hanging out with each person individually. Rob and Rory and I got the most quality time together, with Rob and I arriving early and staying late. Jonathan and I really got a chance to bond in our quest to find the cheapest piece of treated wood. Cheramie and I got the drive to the airport together, but her an I must have astrological connection because she's just like an old friend. Dallas William and I spent a majority of the bayou hike in tandem, and that was an extremely valuable conversation with me. I wish Houston William and I had more time together, he feels like me in a different world. Amanda was really gracious and I also look forward to getting to know her better.
Which leave the Chicago crew. I had been feeling disconnected with you guys, in part because my own guilt for ditching the 10Kways mega-trip for another dose of Lousiana and Katrina cleanup. I hated the fact that I missed the November gathering, it simply didn't work with my schedule. Despite missing you twice, hugging the two Jims and Janene made all that worry and consternation evaporate.
I gotta tell everyone, in case they didn't already know. Jim and Janene look like retired models thanks to their paleo diet. Their vitality and physical radience alone gave me new energy to re-commit to paleo patterns (although Sarah and I are having Sushi for our anniversary tonight).
Even thogh Rory Jonathan and Cheramie are now old friends, I never felt better in my life when I saw you all outside. I felt loved and cherished, and I felt like I was returning the energy, not jsut holding on to it for myself. I could see it build, and I could see the exhaustion of happiness make it wane.
I have been beating myself up a lot lately, and only the sweatlodge topped the experience of those three hugs.
Tony
Absolutely
Submitted by nene on Fri, 2007-03-09 20:38.
Hey Tony --
I think that's probably a huge part of it -- that whole 'filling a role' or failing to be able to fill a role.
But then that begs the question... when we arrive with our role already set, is that enabling us to fully participate or is it preventing us from fully participating?
hmmm?
I suspect partially both. But each event we become a little more real... a little more vested... a little more comfortable...
Janene
PS ...and the sweet talkin'?.... Keep er comin'! I love it 
Role playing
Submitted by JCamasto on Fri, 2007-03-09 20:47.
When your "role" is already adequately filled - It teaches you to adapt and remain flexible - to find what it is you can do to help the betterment of the "tribe"...
Maybe it's easier for me. Howard remarked to me that he believes I have twin positive cores - my fixabilly skillz and my openness/empathy. Maybe it's easier for me to find other things when those talents aren't directly needed... usually I'm always first in line to do dishes and clean up!
But, yeah, at this gig - I was able to utilize both my core skills - and the dishwashing was already covered...
-Jim
Thinking Out Loud
Submitted by nene on Fri, 2007-03-09 20:52.
Hey --
I've been pondering this since I replied to Tony... I think that for those (like me) that have a hard time opening up and letting down defenses and all that, that having a chore to focus on allows us to open up more easily (so long as we are not using and abusing that focus). Whereas, when we do not have that focal point, the only thing we CAN focus on is opening up -- which makes it in-authentic, angsty, etc.
If that makes any sense (it did when I was saying it to myself, but when I write it down, it always seems a little more shakey )
Janene
I heard that
Submitted by JCamasto on Fri, 2007-03-09 21:17.
Word.
Funny thing is when you (anyone) have your focal point, chore, or are utilizing your core skills - and then screw something up... It can scare you even more!
Ah, the lessons we face...
-Jim
Thank You, You're Welcome,
Submitted by nene on Fri, 2007-03-09 20:28.
Thank You, You're Welcome, Curt
Scorpio women
Submitted by Amanda on Wed, 2007-03-14 18:56.
Nene,
Interesting how the only women in attendance (you, me and Eileen) are all Scorpios!  (OK, there was Cheramie and I have no idea what her zodiac sign is, but one can argue that she was working the convention rather than attending.)
 I've noticed my own Scorpionic tendency of often being the lone woman in a a group of men. Perhaps you have also noticed this phenomenon in your own life. It's certainly not a situation that I mind! I think females of our species often like to travel in packs (i.e. to the restroom) and I don't think we Scorpios feel the need to surround ourselves with other women in order to feel safe.
"Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living." - Mary Harris "Mother" Jones
Could Be That...
Submitted by nene on Wed, 2007-03-14 21:00.
Hey Amanda --
I've always been much more drawn to men, also. In fact, Jim C was talking about how he relates better to women, tends to empathize with us more, etc etc on Saturday night (I think it was). It was kinda funny, I was so right with him in the conversation and about to say 'me too!' when he mentioned something about gossiping...
So then I had to say I was right there with him until he mentioned gossiping. Then I was appalled! Of course, that just emphsizes the fact that we are totally alike but opposite genders
Janene
I can't quite parse it
Submitted by JCamasto on Thu, 2007-03-15 04:38.
Are you saying you're appalled that I'm a gossip, or that you are a gossip? Or something else?
(Gossip, to me, is simply tracking the details of people's lives that I care about. Crazy, I know, to be a man and be interested in "gossip". Sure beats the bullshit hoopla men will conjure up in locker-rooms, tho...)
-----
I'm almost 1/2 year opposite of scorpio... I can't remember what Roxy is, or Dayna, or Laura, or Corrina, or (insert lot's o' other meet 'em up IshWomen...)
-Jim
Oh, That
Submitted by nene on Thu, 2007-03-15 12:12.
Hey Jim --
I'm saying that the 'frame' of gossip is abhorrent to me.
After living in small town US (and frankly, after attending high scool, working various jobs, etc...) gossip, to me, is talking about people who are not there... and frequently, I have seen that activity turn ugly and nasty and turn into a rumor mill and/or a device used to hurt.
I understand that one *can* talk about frineds with other friends with no more consequences than sharing ideas/trading knowledge. But it is my opinion that all you need is one person, with an annoyance in thier heart, to poison the whole damn thing.
Consequence? I will pass on bare minimal, general information when needed, but otherwise I try to not talk about anyone that is not present... (even I am susceptible, of course, if I once let me guard down....)
Janene
Cheramie is a scorpio
Submitted by Rory on Thu, 2007-03-15 12:55.
Cheramie is a scorpio too.Â
"If you follow the advice of the average person, you will undoubtedly become average"
Wow!
Submitted by Amanda on Thu, 2007-03-15 15:17.
I agree, What are the odds? 4 x 12 or something? Yikes! I'm having enough trouble with the simple math questions prior to each post!
"Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living." - Mary Harris "Mother" Jones
what are you talking
Submitted by Tony on Thu, 2007-03-15 15:19.
what are you talking about?
You guys were talking about captcha too earlier.
I don't experience that when I post.
now how is that supposed to
Submitted by Tony on Thu, 2007-03-15 18:08.
now how is that supposed to make any sense?
Meta gossip for two.
Check please!
Now I understand why you had trouble estimating Jello-shots
Submitted by JCamasto on Fri, 2007-03-16 16:10.
-JimÂ
Oh, That
Submitted by nene on Thu, 2007-03-15 13:56.
Hey Jim --
I'm saying that the 'frame' of gossip is abhorrent to me.
After living in small town US (and frankly, after attending high school, working various jobs, etc...) gossip, to me, is talking about people who are not there... and frequently, I have seen that activity turn ugly and nasty and turn into a rumor mill and/or a device used to hurt.
I understand that one *can* talk about friends with other friends with no more consequences than sharing ideas/trading knowledge. But it is my opinion that all you need is one person, with an annoyance in thier heart, to poison the whole damn thing.
Consequence? I will pass on bare minimal, general information when needed, but otherwise I try to not talk about anyone that is not present... (even I am susceptible, of course, if I once let me guard down....)
Janene
"Real time" storytelling
Submitted by JCamasto on Thu, 2007-03-15 16:23.
Humans have always talked about humans, and talked about those that are not around...
I also think it's a mechanism tribes utilize to maintain social norms/expectations. Of course, this can bent wicked bad in our culture of hierarchy & control...
I guess I try not to do/say anything that I'm worried people will find out about (1rst or 2nd hand) and I try not to live with regret for those things I have done.... I'm an open source, free information exchange kinda guy - so folks, you've been warned!
-Jim
>:)
looking for a a good system
Submitted by Tony on Thu, 2007-03-15 18:12.
oh the sharp pang of the pool of self reflection -- can't find a system that works for me.
sure, some hermit named ceasar diveded the calendar into 12 months, but how many bars in the song of the heavenly bodies.
We may have forgotten our song, but the tides still play every day.
The moon repeats 13 times every sun. Other waves of gravity beat other drums.
Transparent Living
Submitted by JCamasto on Wed, 2007-03-28 15:37.
Here's a piece by Jeff Vail that better describes something I was getting at... transparency or openness. Is Secrecy Dying?
And particularly Jason's comments (4th down).Â
-Jim
well whaddya know
Submitted by raku on Thu, 2007-03-15 16:11.
Scorpio, like the rest of 'em! And I'm definitely the "chick among dudes" type. Most of my close friends are men.
--------------------
Maybe if a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a tornado doesn't form in Kansas.Â
pisces...
Submitted by dayna on Fri, 2007-03-16 06:13.
...and my name ends with an "a"
It's been a pleasure reading about this past gathering. Nothing like a meeting of minds to get the batteries charged. Thanks to all of you for writing about it and letting those of us that couldn't make it, live through your words.
I wish I could have come!Â
Submitted by starfish on Fri, 2007-03-16 11:22.
I wish I could have come! I'm a Scorpio and my name ends in A; I'd have fit right in! My daughter is a Leo whose name ends in N though.
VictoriaÂ
I can be wrapped up in my own mind, too
Submitted by JCamasto on Fri, 2007-03-09 20:06.
Janene:
Sorry I didn't get to talking with you as much as you wanted to, or, perhaps, needed to. It sort of just goes that way, after being locked in a car together, to want to jump out and focus on new people and surroundings...
I can be highly empathic, but, unfortunately, not clairvoyant. Folks have to "offer up" something of their true selves, honestly & sincerely, before we can fully engage on the level. At least, that's how it works for me...
Anyhoo, you know where to reach me... 
-----
I dig the brief run-downs of everyone, listing something respected, admired, or learned. It's something I do intuitively, and have done in the past. I think I want to make my own list - been working on one in my head - yet I'm still a bit leery of this public forum...
I feel like everyone at our gathering has earned my open thoughts - but it seems I cannot address them as freely as when we were once gathered together - in confidence. Instead, I forced out a point-by-point blog accounting, maybe just trying to re-kindle the atmosphere, in hopes of invoking deeper thoughts...
Or maybe it's that the thoughts just aren't coming as intensely for me, this time around... Which presents another fear/challenge to mount...
-----
Completely Random Sign:
I just got rory as the Captcha codeword...
-Jim
Oh Stop That
Submitted by nene on Fri, 2007-03-09 20:37.
Hey --
No apologies, dear. Observations of what is... realness isn't always ideal, but I'll take that authenticity over design any day!
You certainly inspired my need to do this, this time around. Perhaps it is a gift that gets passed around. After 10K Ways, Jim had a need to do it. This time, I did... next time, who? In any case, you started the gift moving in the first place, so don't sweat it
That Captcha, man... every so often I have been tempted to document each offering I get :d'oh!:
Janene
Well Written
Very well written, Janene. Thank you for sharing this.
Curt